


good at secrets

by fridgefish



Series: stupid deep [1]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: First Time, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Homophobia, I hate tagging, M/M, Past matt/charlie, present jake/charlie, slightly non linear narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 06:26:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18231152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridgefish/pseuds/fridgefish
Summary: Charlie wished for Jake’s innocence as he guided their mouths together. In a way, as Jake kept pressing sweet little closed mouth kisses to his lips, to his cheeks, it felt like his first kiss. A redo, where he wasn’t so scared.





	good at secrets

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> tw for homophobia

“You know that if things were different, we wouldn’t have to-”

“Matt. It’s okay,” Charlie interrupted, because it was okay. This was a mutual decision, he kept telling himself. Things just weren’t working between them. College was hard enough without this- without trying to do this all in secret, with Matt’s weird captain complex, with the NHL hanging over both their heads like the most enticing guillotine the world had to offer. 

Matt took his hand and held it, just like he did that first day on the beach. He’d be leaving soon. “I hope we’ll be teammates again.” 

Charlie didn’t know what to say. In this quiet space in Matt’s half-empty apartment, his things in boxes surrounding them, to describe what they were with the word ‘teammates’ hurt more than it should have. 

“Me too.”

__________

Jake slid into the seat next to Charlie on the bus just like he’d slid into his life- easy as anything.

“Hey,” he said, exuberant, a little too close. “How’s it going?”

Charlie knew what was going on. He wasn’t completely stupid. He just wasn’t sure what to do about it. “You know what, it’s going pretty well. What about you?”

“Welp.” Jake patted Charlie’s knee. “I’m good, but I’m going to be even better once we get to the arena.” 

He’d texted him two nights ago, out of the blue. They didn’t text that much, because why would they? Jake saw Charlie nearly every day. When Charlie picked up his phone to a notification that Jake had texted him, he expected a quick question or stupid meme- not what felt like half a paragraph. 

_hey chuck, sorry if this is out of left field i guess, but i think you’re really cool. like…….. extra cool. ;) if you ever want to hang out sometime, hmu_

He had sent another message only seconds later.

_just ignore this if not lmao_

It was clear that Jake was coming onto him, for whatever reason. A thousand thoughts went through Charlie’s head all at once- who had told him that he was into men? Did Matt say something about him? He’d been to some clubs a few times with Jake, but he didn’t think he’d ever been drunk enough around him to say anything incriminating. But the most pressing question was: Jake? Charlie would have never guessed he would be one to ask out a guy, so much so that he really didn’t know how to respond. He’d never thought about Jake like that. He _was_ cute though, and maybe it would be nice to go on a date again. It was bold of Jake to text him like that.

_Sure, I’d like that,_ he responded impulsively, _I’m glad you said something. :) Maybe we can go somewhere this thurs?_

As soon as he hit send, Charlie was suddenly filled with dread. He shouldn’t have replied. What if Jake was testing him with a text, and now had evidence that he really did want to go out with guys? He probably had already screenshotted it and sent it into that group chat that Charlie knew about that he wasn’t in. 

He had time to wallow in this mental worst-case scenario for only a few minutes before Jake texted back. 

_ok sounds great 🙈 i’m glad i did too then_

Jake sent two more texts in quick succession. 

_you’re really cute 😅_

_we should probably talk about this more in person, because this is all really new for me, if you know what i mean_

And so here they were, on a bus, with Jake looking at him like an eager puppy, making ridiculously obvious eyes at him like he’d probably seen a girl do to him at some point. It was endearing, but also was making Charlie slightly nervous. 

“I’m excited to hang out on Thursday,” Jake said, probably because he had nothing else to say.

“Me too,” Charlie replied with a smile, and it wasn’t a lie.

__________

Matt sat down hard on the couch, tense and angry. Charlie put a hand on his back, rubbing slowly to try to calm him down. Matt shook it off.

“I really just need to be alone right now, okay?” he said without looking back at him. 

Charlie sighed. “Just let me do something to help you. What can I do? Just tell me, and I’ll do it.” He couldn’t take Matt being like this anymore. This was the second week of distance and it was killing Charlie to be shut out. 

“There’s nothing you can do. I don’t want you to do anything, that’s the thing,” Matt said, with his captain voice. Charlie had grown to hate that tone. “We need to really think about what we’re doing here.”

“Matt-” Charlie began, and then stopped. They’d had this conversation before, and he didn’t want to have it again. Not now. “I’ll see you later then.” He grabbed his keys and ignored Matt when he called out.

“Wait!”

__________

Thursday, Jake showed up at Charlie’s, and he drove them both out to one of his favorite walking trails. It was quiet and mostly empty during the day.

Jake was being supremely different than his usual self. The drive over, he was cheerful and bright, but anytime Charlie would look over at him, he would dip his eyes, coquettish. It was like being with those girls that recognized him at bars, the ones that touched their hair every other second and went out of their way to put a hand on his arm, but it was so out of Jake’s typical character that it was jarring. 

As soon as they’d walked just out of sight of the parking lot, Jake began to babble on.“I’ve never been on a date with a guy before,” he began, “Like, I’ve had a crush on a guy before, I guess. Only my friend from home knows I’m bi. No one else. Well, I guess now you know.” He looked over at Charlie, cheeks red from his admission. 

“Well, that’s alright,” Charlie replied, kicking a pinecone down the path. It was a great day for a walk- the sun was streaming through the leaves above them, and was just warm enough to be comfortable in a t-shirt. “Only a few people here know about me.”

“Oh, and sorry to just like, assume about you, I just figured, well, might as well take a chance-” Jake nervously laughed his way through that sentence, and Charlie found himself involuntarily putting a hand on his shoulder, willing him to settle down. 

“It’s fine, really. I was wondering how you knew, though.” 

“Oh.” Jake looked out into the woods. “I dunno. I see how you look at guys sometimes, and just guessed, really.” 

There was no way to tell if Jake was lying without asking him directly, and Charlie didn’t feel like that would be the best start to a date- if that’s even what this was. 

He steered their conversation towards shows they’d been watching, the season finale of one that was pretty shocking, and for a moment he almost forgot the nature of this outing. It felt like the two of them were just hanging out like usual. It wasn’t until Jake stopped to sit on a bench facing a lake that it was clear his curiosity was getting the better of him. 

“So what’s it like?” he asked, the question full of implication. “Dating a guy. What should I know?”

Charlie frowned. “I don’t really know what you mean. Like, you’ve dated other people right? It’s the same, mostly.” He wasn’t sure what Jake was getting at here. 

“Okay, well then when did you know? That you were…” Jake moved his arm to the back of the bench, and managed to look at Charlie in the eyes this time. 

“Well,” Charlie rubbed the back of his neck, feeling more exposed than he’d felt in a long time. No one ever asked him these kinds of things. “Guess I was fourteen or fifteen, maybe. But I didn’t tell anyone for a while. You know.”

Jake nodded sagely. 

“And I still don’t want you telling anyone, okay?” Charlie added, because it was better safe than sorry.

“I won’t. I swear.” Jake said, the flirty smile making a reappearance. “I’m good at secrets, you know that. Besides, I think it’s kind of fun when stuff is a secret, you know?”

__________

Matt let out a stuttering breath into the crook of his neck, hot and damp all over. Charlie held him close, letting his heart rate slow. Matt smiled against his skin, whispering his name just to feel him shiver.

Charlie looked forward to this more than anything, when Matt was loose and sated against him after sex, completely relaxed and open. The deep, open mouthed kisses that came after, everything as slow and gentle as Charlie could manage, because that’s how Matt liked it. Matt wouldn’t stay like this for long, but he always intended to enjoy every minute of it.

Finally, Charlie sat up a little bit, looking down at Matt who was still quite happy to be stared at.

“Oh shit, man,” Charlie bit back a laugh. “I accidentally got you.” He prodded at the side of Matt’s neck with a finger where he’d left a bruise.

Matt sat up like he’d been struck by lightning. “ _Fuck_ Charlie, we literally talked about this!” He reached up and felt of his own neck, wincing slightly when he pressed against it. “This is so fucking bad. I’m going to have to come up with something really quick to tell the guys, cause-”

He was interrupted by the sound of a key jiggling in the lock of the front door of his apartment.

“ _Shit._ Shit shit shit, you gotta get out of here.” Matt said in a rush. “I didn’t think he’d be back until tomorrow- Charlie, _move,_ ” he said, giving him a shove. 

Charlie was paralyzed. He couldn’t move, or breathe, or think, or do anything. There was nowhere to go, Matt’s roommate was here _right now_ , and they shared a bedroom. The place only had three rooms. Matt’s roommate was here, and he was completely naked. 

“Just put your clothes on, goddamnit, Charlie, please,” Matt said, clambering out of the bed and throwing Charlie’s boxers at him. He found his own pajama pants and jumped into them. He started scrambling around the room, throwing away the evidence of what they’d done, and wiping up his stomach with a questionably damp towel on the ground. Matt pulled two empty beer bottles from the trash and shoved one into Charlie’s hand. Not a second later, Matt’s roommate opened the door to the bedroom. 

“Hey Mike.” Matt said, cool as anything. 

Charlie owed him his life. 

“What the fuck is all this?” Mike said, surveying the scene, Charlie still standing in the near center of the room, still speechless with fear, holding an empty beer bottle in his underwear. Mike’s face was hard and angry, practically sneering in Charlie’s direction. He couldn’t imagine that this guy had ever smiled in his life.

Matt laughed, as if Mike had just walked in on something truly hilarious. “I figured I’d let the freshie have a few beers with me, and now he’s drunk off his ass. I don’t know what in the hell he’s doing.” 

“Oh? Is that what you guys are doing?” Mike spat, voice like ice. “Drinking the beers that I finished yesterday?”

Charlie was completely still. He wondered if it would make things better or worse if he were to vomit right now. 

Matt managed to stay neutral. “No, I went and got more earlier, dumbass,” he said. 

“Right. You drove down to New York and got the exact same beer that my girlfriend brought me from her trip, right?” Mike nodded, looking between the two of them. 

He was pinned in his lie. Charlie looked down at the bottle in his hand- it was some craft beer with a fancy label and a name he’d never heard. 

“This room is like, a hundred degrees and it stinks. Literally reeks. And I think you both know what it fucking smells like,” Mike continued.

Matt stood up and took a step so that he was in between Mike and Charlie. “Yeah, smells like your dirty laundry. Chill out, man.” 

Matt was still facing Mike when he calmly explained that Charlie was just leaving. Charlie couldn’t see his face when Mike sidestepped to the garbage can in the corner, when he undoubtedly saw the tied-off condom that Matt had thrown in there in his panic only moments before. 

“You know, I might’ve had my questions about you before, but I thought to myself,” Mike was so angry he was shaking. “I thought to myself, well Gryz is a nice kid, I’m sure-” He took another step closer to Matt. “This shit is disgusting. Literally disgusting. In _my fucking room._ ”

“Get out of here, Charlie.” Matt commanded, the practiced tone of a person giving instruction under pressure. 

It was like something finally snapped in him, and Charlie grabbed his clothes off the floor and bolted out of his apartment. The last thing he heard before the front door shut behind him was Mike getting louder and louder, and Matt begging him not to tell anyone.

__________

“I don’t know if it’s that fun when things are a secret, really.” Charlie said.

“Oh.” Jake realized himself. “I guess.” 

They sat in silence for a while after that, just looking out at the lake. Jake pointed at a falcon that flew overhead, and every once and a while a fish would make a disturbance in the water.

“I guess I just…” Jake began. “I just am scared that you just agreed to come out here with me because I asked and you don’t know many guys that aren’t straight, not because you actually might see me like that.” 

Charlie knew that language- beating around the bush instead of saying things exactly how they were, not because Jake wanted to be unclear, but because he probably didn’t even have the language to say what he meant. He didn’t know how to respond at first, because Jake had a point. The entire past week he’d been partially convinced that Jake was going to immediately tell everyone he knew his big secret, or that at some point he was going to reveal that this was all a joke. But now, he took a moment to look at Jake, _really_ look. He was wearing his favorite collared shirt, he’d actually combed his hair, he was definitely wearing that expensive cologne he’d bought on their off day in New York. This was real for him, he was really trying. 

“You just need to give me a minute, I guess. I just now saw you as a person that I _could_ think about like that. So.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to go into a lot of details, I guess, but it’s hard for me to trust people about this kind of thing. And that’s not on you, that’s just how I am.” 

“Oh, I get that,” Jake said, too quick. “Yeah, it’s hard to trust people.” He clearly didn’t understand exactly what Charlie was insinuating, but he felt altogether too tired to try to explain further. 

He stood up and walked further towards the lake, and Jake followed right behind him.

“Kinda makes me want to go swimming,” Jake said.

“S’probably full of geese shit.”

“Isn’t everything full of geese shit?”

“...No?”

Jake bumped him with his hip, and Charlie let himself relax. Just a little bit.

__________

Everything was Matt. Charlie woke up in the morning thinking about him, daydreamed about him during class, just thinking about the next time they could be together. He’d started inviting him over to his apartment on the weekends when his roommate was out of town, and Charlie really didn’t know he could feel like this.

It was hard sometimes, they were so busy with hockey, and then during the stretch of days when they only saw each other in practice, Matt was his captain.

The best was when they could steal away for the afternoon. Charlie was ignoring more of his homework than he should’ve been, probably, but he made himself feel better by remembering he probably wasn’t going to graduate anyway. 

Matt wouldn’t relax until they were at least an hour away from campus. 

It was visible, from the time that Charlie got into the passenger seat of his car, how tense Matt would be- both hands on the wheel, shoulders hunched and brow furrowed. 

They hit the interstate, and one of his hands would wander to the center console. Past the city limits, he’d find Charlie’s hand and make him wave it to the rhythm of the music he had blasting from the speakers. Matt pulled off on their exit and rested his hand on Charlie’s thigh. 

Matt never took them anywhere particularly exciting, maybe a weird little museum or a fun art gallery now and then, but it was usually a park or coffee shop somewhere way out of town. Somewhere where he could drink his fill and stare at Charlie all he wanted, where he could play footsie with him unnoticed. Where they could flirt and find a way to keep their hands within reach. 

Their little trips usually ended with Matt kissing him hard and long in a dark parking lot somewhere, every time with the passion of a desperate man.

The drive back was the worst part. 

Seeing Matt retract back into himself, into a person Charlie recognized but didn’t know. 

He’d hold his hand until they hit the city limits, he’d flirt until they could see the campus in the distance, he’d drop Charlie back off at his dorm without much more than a half-smile and a “See you around.”

__________

Jake remained as curious as ever, and kept asking Charlie to go with him different places. Well, on dates, really.

Charlie tried hard not to think about Matt. He probably had no idea that this was going on. He was over Matt, really, he was. They were friends. Teammates. They never talked about what happened in college. 

But Jake wasn’t anything like Matt- not that he needed to be. He was always open, always asked a thousand questions that Charlie usually didn’t want to answer but did anyway, because it was Jake. 

They went and got ice cream more times than they strictly should’ve. They stayed in and watched old movies together, and Charlie felt more and more relaxed each time. Jake was patient with him, too. He knew that Jake wanted more and that he was holding out on him, but he just had to be sure. Had to be sure that they’d be okay.

Jake knocked on his hotel room door in Nashville past midnight.

“Hey, sorry, but-” 

He looked so nervous, face red, twisting his hands in his shirt. He wouldn’t look into Charlie’s eyes.

“I just. I can’t stop thinking about it.” he finally got out. 

Charlie let him step inside his room and shut the door behind them. “Thinking about what?”

“Kissing you. I really, really want to.” Jake said, almost a whisper. 

Oh.

Charlie wished for Jake’s innocence as he guided their mouths together. In a way, as Jake kept pressing sweet little closed mouth kisses to his lips, to his cheeks, it felt like his first kiss. A redo, where he wasn’t so scared. 

He didn’t want Jake to feel scared. 

“Yeah?” he whispered when Jake pulled back with a smile. 

“You’re so-” Jake put his hand in Charlie’s hair. He was feeling bold. “You’re so cute,” he finally giggled out.

Charlie felt lightheaded, but in a good way. “You’re cute too.” 

Jake kissed him one more time on the tip of his nose before announcing that he was going to bed. He left Charlie to sit on the edge of his hotel room bed and stare at the wall, with the feeling of his soft kisses still on his skin.

__________

“I wanna go to the beach,” Charlie loudly announced. They were all getting undressed in the locker room, a great time to be as obnoxious as possible.

“Me too,” Matt replied unexpectedly. “Let’s go tomorrow morning.” He said it with a laugh, but when he looked over at Charlie with those eyes that made his heart drop out of his chest, he couldn’t help but hope he was being serious.

“We could go before class, I guess.” Charlie said, trying to remain casual as he pulled his skate off of his left foot. 

“For the sunrise,” Matt continued, quiet enough so that the other guys who were being rowdy in their own right couldn’t hear. 

“Sure.” Charlie said, like a person who was good at getting up early.

He nearly regretted it when his alarm woke him up that morning, so early that it was still completely dark out. But when he flipped his phone over to check the time, he already had a text from Matt. 

_Good morning ☀️_

Charlie was admittedly half asleep when he climbed into Matt’s car. Matt was chipper though, maybe happier than he’d ever seen him.

The morning was still cool and dewy, and by the time they got to the beach, the horizon was just starting to lighten. Matt had chosen a beach that was fairly out of the way, and this early in the morning, they were completely alone.

As they walked along the edge of the beach, Matt took Charlie’s hand. He dared not mention it.

Charlie forced himself not to look over his shoulder every other minute, forced himself to enjoy whatever kind of luck he must’ve come across to have this happen to him. But anyone could see them here. Out in the open. 

“I really like you.” Matt said without pretense. “But we can’t-”

“I know.” Charlie stammered before he could finish. “We don’t have to be anything. You can just… I don’t know. I really like you too.” 

The sun was rising now. He could hear some people talking loudly in the distance. 

Matt kissed him hard, once, and dropped his hand.

__________

It didn’t take long for Jake to want more, before curiosity got the best of him.

Charlie was cautious: so, so cautious, but he was only flesh. After months of dating, and the second time Jake asked him to spend the night, he agreed. 

He expected Jake to be more frantic, or more embarrassed, maybe. But he took his time, kissing him for so long that Charlie started to wonder if Jake had even meant sex when he said ‘spend the night.’ And for once in his life, Jake didn’t say much. 

He rolled on top, and with a gentle hand between them, Jake brought them both off with a high pitched sigh. 

Charlie leaned his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes. He was going to tell Jake how good that was or something like that, when he felt his tongue on his stomach, licking him clean. He squeezed his eyes shut harder, because it would’ve been too much to watch.

He shuddered involuntarily, from the intimacy and because the spit drying on his chest was cold. 

“Hey,” Jake whispered. 

Charlie opened his eyes, finally, and looked up at him with a smile. “Hi.”

Jake flopped down next to him in the bed, and took a deep breath. “Whatever happened to you before, I’m sorry. I wish it wouldn’t have been like that, for you.”

“You don’t have to say that.” Charlie said. 

“I know I don’t. I know I don’t, Charlie.” Jake whispered, voice thick. “You don’t ever have to talk about it. But I need you to know that-” he kissed him, so soft that it hurt. “I want you to be happy.”

It took Charlie a moment before he was able to respond. 

“I want you to be happy too.”

Jake smiled. “You know I’m easy to please. And I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> for the record this was originally going to be sad and then I made it slightly less sad so you’re welcome 
> 
> deadass tho, thank u for reading, kudos and comments give me life n smiles so leave me some
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr [@fridgefishwrites](https://fridgefishwrites.tumblr.com)


End file.
